The Super Secret Diaries Thedas Edition
by massivelyattacked
Summary: Playing off of the VSD format, the Super Secret Diaries will feature the characters of DA2. Props and respect to those who have gone before with this concept. Rated T for language & some suggestive content. Newest diary: The Maker!
1. Flemeth

**So, here's the story of how this new venture came to be. I finally received my extended editions of LOTR on Blu Ray and started watching Fellowship. For some reason, I completely flashed back to the super funny Very Secret Diaries series written by Cassie Claire. I decided that this simply must be written for the Dragon Age series. In my research, I came across a set that was done for Origins, by JessicaJones. You should seriously check them out, they are VERY funny. But, nothing yet for DA2, so here I am to fill the void (including some crossover with Origins as the characters see fit). I hope I'm not stepping on any toes, but this is my favourite concept ever, so I just felt the need to write…some VERY secret diaries. Hope you enjoy my take on these…**

**First one's a little short, but she had minimal involvement. Suggestions/requests for next chapter welcome!**

**Edit: My calculation for the last diary entry was only slightly off (by a thousand years, that's okay right?). Fixed!**

**Disclaimer: Bioware/EA owns characters and my life apparently. Props to Cassie and Jessica for what came before…**

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><p><em>The Super Secret Diary of Flemeth<em>

**Day 1:** Have been around for long time. Figured was time to start keeping diary. Just moved into new hut in Korcari Wilds. V. swampy here. Not good for complexion. Should probably consider getting new daughter soon.

**Day 37:** Not been good with writing diary so far. But short elves brought me blonde fellow and angry dark haired friend. Told blonde not to trust friend, he will so screw him over. Have a sense for this sort of thing.

**Day 62:** Considering officially changing name to Witch of the Wilds on license. Unsure if Fereldan DMV accepts money orders.

**Day 520:** Got new daughter. Really bad at diary thing. Will keep trying.

**Day 8096:** Found diary under stack of grimoires have been working on. Promise to write more. In other news, hair makes me look like crazy cat lady. Not bad for scaring away unwanted visitors. But apparently not Jehovah's Witnesses.

**Day 8102:** See? Writing more. Was minding own business practicing being dragon when noticed big fight. Somebody's gonna get their ass kicked. Not saying who. Might visit bookie later.

**Still Day 8102:** Rescued Grey Wardens from tower. Were betrayed by that dark haired man from…previous diary entry. That suuuuucked.

**Day 8105:** Blond Warden pining over dead ex-gf. So whiny. If wasn't so hot, might have to throw in lake.

**Day 8106:** Second Warden _finally_ woke up. Mistaken about blond Warden's ex – actually a man. Hard to tell due to amount of crying. In other news, have perfected maniacal cackle. Win!

**Still Day 8106:** Sent daughter off with two Grey Wardens. Good thing too. Party with Chasind this weekend!

**Day 8275:** Can't find grimoire. Shame. Had awesome recipes for chocolate chip cookies and meat lovers' lasagna. Wish rural internet service better out here – would Google it.

**Day 8342:** Apparently daughter found grimoire. Now upset that I was going to borrow her body for a bit. So tedious. Will never last forever at this rate.

**Still Day 8342:** Sort of underestimated daughter and am now big dead dragon. Will never fit back into hut like this.

**Day 1:** Alive again. Figured would start diary over again on account of the death thing. On good note, now hot. Still have maniacal cackle. Super psyched.

**Day 22:** Have discovered time travel. Thought vacation to darkspawn invasion at Lothering would be fun. Turns out, not so much.

**Day 24: **Vacation looking up. Came across sassy mage girl killing ogre. Considering stealing her for new daughter. Real mother gave dirty look when suggested. Will bring group to Gwaren for shits and giggles. Sassy mage said would bring amulet to short elves at Sundermount. So dumb. Love the dumb ones.

In other news, templar bloke dead leaving behind redheaded man…er, wife. V. sad. Okay, not really.

**Day 47: **Finally in Gwaren. Sassy mage unhappy didn't fly there. What does she think I am? Air Flemeth?

**Day 457:** Writing diary again. Not my fault this time. Sassy mage "forgot" about delivering amulet. Know she lost it three times and tried to sell twice considering was _in_ amulet. But funny, so won't push her off cliff. Traveling with new people now. Blonde crazy mage with passenger and white haired elf with sexy tats. Would like to see where those get to. Might trade fashion tips with crazy mage though – some of feathers bent from being in amulet. Figure time to go somewhere else now. Have delivered cryptic message to sassy mage, so…I'm off like a prom dress.

**Day 3631:** Told sassy mage shit was gonna go down.


	2. Leandra

**Thanks for the reviews, alerts and such so far. It is much appreciated!**

**This was a tough one…Leandra is NOT an easy character to write in a humourous way! Hope it didn't fall flat on its face!**

**Disclaimer: Bioware/EA owns characters and my life apparently. Props to Cassie and Jessica for what came before…**

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><p><em>The Super Secret Diary of Leandra<em>

**Day One**

Husband Malcolm told me to keep a diary and use to write down all thoughts. Sometimes think he is annoyed by my constant chatting with him. Seems happy this is finally started.

**Day Ten**

Love my children. How wonderful to have my warrior son and two daughters who are mages.

(The word 'mages' is scratched out. The words 'perfectly normal girls with no hint of magical powers whatsoever' are written underneath in definitely masculine handwriting.)

**Day Seventeen**

Malcolm unhappy at lack of diary entries. Wait. How does he know? Also, concerned about previous entry's update. Wonder how that happened.

**Day Twenty Eight**

Oh Malcolm. Was walking with him near cliff discussing upcoming meeting of Lothering Flower Garden Committee. He must have had indigestion judging by look on face. Suddenly cried out "Templars!" and jumped over cliff. Looked around but no one there. Now Malcolm dead due to mistake. V. sad.

Boo hoo hoo…poor Malcolm…

**Day Four Hundred and Seventy Two**

Hand sore. Should seriously consider using numbers.

**Day 475**

Refugee influx in Lothering. So bad for garden. Might have to erect fence to keep refugees off lawn. Have yelled at smelly child four times now to stop making mud pies out of pile near house. That's not mud. It's manure. Mah-noo-err.

On second thought, would like to see smelly child's face when eating said mud pie.

**Day 478**

Lots of templars in town. Should probably tell girls to be careful. Though one v. handsome. Shame they can't marry.

**Day 482**

Heard rumour of darkspawn invasion. Have never seen darkspawn myself. Wouldn't know what to do if one visited. Perhaps could offer tea? There must be some single darkspawn about. If marriage with templar doesn't work out, perhaps girls would consider darkspawn?

**Day 484**

Have seen darkspawn. Retract all thought of girls marrying.

**Day 485**

Carver back from big fight at Ostagar. V. upset over darkspawn battle. Have decided to not mention darkspawn matchmaking endeavour. Must leave Lothering now.

Boo hoo hoo…poor Lothering…

**Day 487**

Met redheaded man and templar husband. Was under impression templars weren't gay. Wait…redhead is woman. Still…was under impression templars couldn't marry. Perhaps hope after all for daughters.

Update: Now only have one daughter to marry off. Bethany dead. V. sad. Shall blame other daughter for posterity's sake.

Boo hoo hoo…poor Bethany…

Another update: Have met crazy woman who was a dragon first. Will ask her to tutor remaining daughter to be dragon. Could be useful. Fairly certain crazy woman 'into' daughter. Gave her jewelry. Is this a first date? Will have to warn daughter – last time I saw an outfit like that, was definitely into sado-masochism.

**Day 510**

Arrived in Gwaren. Now off to Kirkwall to reclaim family glory and riches. Too bad won't see mother and father as dead.

Boo hoo hoo…poor mother and father…

**Day 534**

Landed in Kirkwall. Not like I remember. Will try to find brother Gamlen to get us into city. Guards at door v. angry for some reason. Could be hundreds of refugees saying they have family in city. Thank goodness I'm not a refugee with family in the city – might never get in.

**Day 537**

Gamlen finally arrived to let us in. Apparently lost estate in gambling mishap. Now lives in shack. V. sad.

Boo hoo hoo…poor Amell estate…

In other news, children must work for year to pay back entry fees to Kirkwall. Last time I was at a club that charged entry fees like this, at least got a complimentary lap dance.

**Day 902**

Children have finished year of paying for cover charge. Still no lap dance.

**Day 903**

Children came home with crazy idea to go on expedition to something called 'Deep Roads'. Sounds too much like an underground night club for my liking. Better get daughter married off sooner rather than later. Alternative lifestyle not something I think I can handle.

Still in Gamlen's shack.

**Day 905**

Have been corrected re: 'Deep Roads'. Is actually underground city/tunnel system. Met new dwarf friend of children. Short, but incredible chest hair.

**Day 918**

Daughter brought new friends home. Now, not only dwarf, but angry elf and potentially crazy mage as well. Not shocking about the mage. Always had affinity for mages. Must admit elf sexy in broody way. Has interesting tats. Would like to see where those get to.

**Day 920**

Daughter off to Sundermount with new friends. Brought amulet with her. Suspect second date with crazy dragon lady. If daughter brings whips and chains home, will be confirmation of new romance.

Still in shack.

**Day 926**

Daughter brought _another_ new friend home. _Another _elf. But a girl this time. V. clumsy and dimwitted. Perhaps can convince her to marry Carver. One down, one to go!

Also brought larged breasted sailor type. Concerned daughter not only into bondage, but may be lesbian.

**Day 1261**

Children off on expedition. Tried to convince daughter to leave Carver home, but took anyway. Who will carry my groceries home now?

Apparently Gamlen, since still in shack.

**Day 1274**

Daughter back. Left Carver in Deep Roads. Starting to think 'Deep Roads' really is code name for exclusive night club again.

Boo hoo hoo…poor Carver…

On other note, daughter brought back lots of money from expedition. Cha-ching! Perhaps not in shack much longer.

**Day 1324**

Spoke to Viscount today. Apparently getting audience with Viscount not what expected. Told me to go back to Blooming Rose where I came from. Slight misunderstanding. Regardless, can buy estate back. Yay me!

**Day 1329**

Bought estate back. Okay…_daughter_ bought estate back. Moving out of shack. FINALLY. V. excited to have own room. May be old, but have needs that can't be fulfilled in shared accommodations.

**Day 1362**

Love estate!

**Day 1408**

Two dwarves moved into estate. Must speak to daughter about collecting hobos.

**Day 2369**

Crazy mage stopped by tonight. Have heard odd noises from daughter's room all night. Suspect may need to implement sock on doorknob rule.

In other news, confirmed daughter not lesbian. Still no word on bondage thing.

**Day 2398**

Must get daughter married off soon. Has now brought home tiny elf to cook and clean. While useful, still very hobo-ish.

**Day 2428**

Kind of attracted to Arishok's big horns. You know what they say about big horns…big horns means…wait. How does that go again?

**Day 2475**

Got flowers today. Pretty excited. Going to see Gamlem to gloat about estate again.

**Day 2476**

So…helped bloody guy on street. Apparently bad move because now trapped in some sort of warehouse with weird bedroom set up.

**Day 2476 cont'd**

Am now disembodied head with no eyes. It's a wonder I can still write in this.

**Day 2477**

Got eye implants and new body from secret admirer. Not certain he wasn't a bit crazy. Anyway, daughter showed up with friends and killed off admirer, so now have no magic to keep me alive. Bummer.

Boo hoo hoo…poor me…

On another note, managed to give daughter another guilt trip for the road. Sure call that a win.


	3. Cullen

**I absolutely adore writing these…so much fun!**

**Thanks to Geemen for the suggestion to write this one…who knew Cullen was such a player?**

**Disclaimer: Bioware/EA owns characters and my life apparently. Props to Cassie and Jessica for what came before…**

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><p><em>The Super Secret Diary of Cullen<em>

**Day 1:** Love being a templar. Get to stand around all day watching silly mages trying to do magic tricks.

**Day 17: **Cute little elf apprentice passed Harrowing today. Get to watch her butt swing in sexy mage outfit now.

**Day 18:** Preemptive celebration over cute little elf mage cut dreadfully short. Taken by Grey Warden. Pout.

**Day 36:** Heard Ostagar didn't go so well. Bummer.

**Day 42: **Didn't think was Halloween, but lots of demons hanging about. Should probably do some templary things.

**Day 43:** Hmm. Too late to do templary things. Definitely demons. Now am trapped in cage. But not real cage. Just magical one. Being that I'm a templar, could probably do something about this situation. But won't chance it. Besides, demons keep showing me cute little elf mage butt.

**Day 45:** Someone will probably rescue me.

**Day 48: **Watching cute little elf mage butt great way to pass time in magical prison. Still no sign of rescue.

**Day 58: **Still in cage. Still no rescue. Being a templar sucks.

**Day 67:** Starting to worry if I see cute little elf mage again will only recognize if she walks into room backwards.

In other developments, no new developments.

**Day 75:** Hooray! Rescue!

Also, was right about not recognizing cute little elf mage. Didn't know was her until she walked up staircase into Harrowing Chamber. Apologized profusely for that one.

**Day 75 cont'd.** Told Greagoir can't trust mages – probably have demons runnin' all up in them. Wow, that sounded deliciously hick. Anyway, Irving gave me dirty look. One day, I'm going to kick him in his shin and run away before he realizes it was me.

**Day 77:** Tower clean up such a bore. I swear, there is this templar body just outside of the main foyer that Bob just won't clean up. I'm telling you, I will NOT be the one to clean it up. Think I might just stand by it and stare down at it whenever Bob walks by. So annoying.

**Day 89:** Bob still hasn't picked up corpse. Starting to get embarrassing since Wardens have returned several times to buy lyrium, and body STILL there. Bob is giving us a bad name.

**Day 91:** Dropped hint to Greagoir that Bob being lazy about dead templar body.

**Day 93:** Finally! Bout time Bob!

**Day 105:** Told to go to library to guard. Dunno why. Only like 3 mages still alive. Tedious.

**Day 159: **Swear that if Irving glares at me like that one more time, will trip him as he walks by.

**Day 215:** Templar duties boring. Have asked Greagoir to let me go with mages when they go fight archdemon. Could be exciting. Cute little elf mage will probably be there. Could just guard her from behind. Greagoir said would consider.

**Day 275:** Greagoir said no. Only took sixty days to make decision. Way to leave a brother hanging…

**Day 350:** Have tripped Irving one time too many. Greagoir pissed! Was voluntold would be going somewhere else. Heard "To the Void" at first, but then "Kirkwall" was mentioned.

**Day 434:** Finally leaving Tower. Bout time. Ankle hurts from tripping Irving.

**Day 445:** I'm on a boat.

**Day 455:** Landed at Kirkwall. Very boxy architecture. Used to Circle Tower. Unsure if can get used to change in primary shapes.

**Day 456:** Met Knight Commander Meredith. Hot! Would work "under her" any day.

**Day 457:** Told was being promoted to Knight Captain. Meredith must have seen the lewd gestures I was making at her. She wants me.

**Day 468:** Get to hang out in Gallows office all day doing 'paperwork'. Yeah, more like naptime bitches! Could get used to this. Love being a templar.

**Day 493:** "Investigating" goings on at Blooming Rose. Such a difficult task. Might take longer than expected. Shame really…

**Day 502:** Made move on Meredith. Apparently mistaken about her wanting me. Banished to hunt for some missing templars. Heading out of town.

**Day 506:** Was just about to singlehandedly take down a possessed templar when was interrupted by sassy girl and friends. Unsure, but think templar senses were tingling.

**Day 508: **Meredith still very upset over pass. Am being forced to stand outside in Gallows courtyard. Fine by me. Fresh air. Wandering apprentices. Sunshine. Be a shame if I was banished to watch for apostates outside the Blooming Rose.

**Day 510:** Post in courtyard getting better and better. Sassy girl from other day stopped by to chat. Turns out she's a mage! Who knew? Well, suppose I should have. Whatever, sassy mage is hot. Might make a move on her. Course, blonde guy dressed as bird looks like he'd try to kill me if I did.

**Day 606: **Rollin' down the street, smokin' endo, sippin' on _gin '_n _juice_…laid back…with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…

**Day 729:** Starting to think Meredith has thing for Orsino. Why not? Kind of reminds me of cute little elf mage. Just more manly. Okay, maybe not so manly…

**Day 880:** Found out sassy mage just bought a place up in Hightown. SO going to ask out on date.

**Day 942:** Stupid blonde birdman always around. Always on about mages being oppressed. Come to think of it, templar senses tingle when he's around. Should look into that.

**Day 1921:** So, asked sassy mage out for a drink. Turns out stupid blonde birdman made a move on her literally the day before. Well…so much for that. There's always the little tattooed elf sassy mage hangs out with. Templar senses kind of tingle when she's around too.

**Day 2083:** Not sure about trusting templar senses so much anymore. Should really be more positive about this sort of thing. Little tattooed elf definitely mage.

**Day 3645: **Uh yeah. The blonde birdman definitely mage. So not trusting templar senses anymore. That shit is _useless_!

In other news, Meredith bat shit crazy. Does make an interesting statue though.


	4. Sebastian Vael

**Some of you might know how much Sebastian annoys me. Personally, his entire journey through the game went from "interesting" to "whiny little git". I tend to think his journal entries would devolve the same way. We also all know of his habitual fence-sitting…so you might see a bit of that too.**

**Thanks to anesor for the heads up on a typo...too many numbers to keep track of!**

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><p><em>The Super Secret Diary of Sebastian Vael<em>

**1:** Forced into joining the Chantry as a brother. Family sucks atm. Sure wish someone would just slaughter _all_ of them.

**7:** Have been at Chantry for a week. Not as bad as once thought. Lots of women. So many women. My favourites are the lay-sisters. Def going to get to know them better.

**10:** Lay-sister title misleading. Disappointed greatly.

**22:** Have decided against Chantry after all. Going home.

**25:** Apparently being at Chantry _not_ my decision. Sent back. You suck dad!

**462:** So Chantry found diary and was unhappy about comments re: lay-sisters. But recently found it, so have it back.

In other news, taking vows soon.

**478:** Have decided to visit family before whole vow thing – just in case.

**479:** Family slaughtered. WTF? I meant _figuratively_ FFS.

**480:** So angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. Sebastian smash!

**482:** Not taking vows after all. Must seek revenge. Tend to switch gears when emotion strikes. Mmmm waffles for breakfast!

**500: **Have decided to take a trip. Kirkwall sounds nice this time of year. Sort of a business/pleasure trip. New Chantry & can hunt down family's murderers. That's what I call killing two birds with one stone.

**503:** Purchased new armour for trip. Feel a little like Ser John Travolta in _Saturday Knight Fever_. Women will be powerless against it. Bride of Maker's face dangerous close to crotchal region. Have not yet decided if this is good thing.

Update: Definitely good thing.

**507:** On road to Kirkwall. Have determined armour not good for hiding in forest. However, if was standing next to polar bear wearing gold chain, would be practically invisible.

**520:** In Kirkwall. Meh.

**522:** Met Grand Cleric Elthina. Seems nice. Kinda hot for an old broad. Er, sorry. Old mother. Er…sister? Something like that.

**525: **Elthina not happy about revenge scheme. Says I should not be personally hunting down family's killers. Okay, will hire consultant to do it then.

**526:** Elthina apparently did not mean "should not be personally hunting down family's killers" literally. V. upset over help wanted sign on Chantry board.

In other news, outburst in Chantry courtyard caught attention of fine young woman. She checked out help wanted ad. Can't wait for her to ask what her compensation will be. Maybe I'll show her my haggis…

**541:** Was hanging about in Chantry minding own business when hottie from courtyard showed up. Told me she killed the mercenaries responsible for family's murder and stuck hand out at me. Asked what she gets. Took all power and restraint to not say 'haggis' as Elthina standing nearby.

Hottie travels with several others: angry white haired elf with huge blade (seems to be compensating for something if you ask me); whiny mage in feathered outfit that suggests a little light in loafers (though don't want to insult anyone since has such bad fashion sense); plucky dwarf with incredible chest hair. Considering asking dwarf for hair advice for obviously receding hairline.

**1028: **Sent letter to hottie to ask her for some help. Found out who hired my family's murderers. Didn't want to post another request for help on Chantry board considering Elthina's reaction last time. Just got back in good graces with her.

**1409:** Hottie dropped by the Chantry. Only took over a year to respond to letter. Least she responded. Starting to regret coming back to Chantry. Women fawn over me, but no sex with them. Is this what it feels like to be "the gay best friend"?

Update: Killed family in Kirkwall that murdered my family. Okay, well _I_ didn't do it exactly, but the hottie did. I just kind of stood around shouting about the Maker and stuff. Hey, that's important too.

**1410: **Have decided to join hottie on her crusade of…well, whatever it is that she's on about.

**1420:** Turns out she's on about mage freedom. _Already_ regretting this decision. Should go back to hard core Chantry stuff. Vows maybe?

Mmmmm…waffles for breakfast!

**1508: **Hottie went and killed the Arishok. All by herself. Didn't even bring me along. Starting to think _Saturday Knight Fever_ armour was useless purchase. Never get to wear it anywhere fun!

**1584:** Think hottie found out I don't like mages so much. Don't know how. Perhaps was conversation with her whiny _boyfriend_ about how I don't like mages so much. So emo. Anyway, she never brings me anywhere anymore. Going to pout to Elthina. Maybe she will nuzzle me to her bosoms. Bosoms. I love that word.

**1585:** Bosoms nuzzling mission complete. Win!

**2692: **So…hottie decides to come to Chantry today. Sort of weird since never does that anymore. Then whiny boyfriend shows up all like "Ohhh, I didn't know where you were. I couldn't find you." Whine whine whine. Mages are oppressed…boo frickin' hoo! I'm the oppressed one! Surrounded by women and _still_ no action! Should just go back to Starkhaven and become prince again. Got way more action that way.

I looooooove waffles!

**2997:** Hottie told Elthina she should leave Chantry. In danger. Stepped up and said would protect her. Might get more than just bosomy nuzzles tonight. Hmm. Suppose that means can't go back to Starkhaven yet. Will consider while head is ear deep in Grand Cleric cleavage.

**3002: **Knew I hated whiny boyfriend. Get this. Was standing in Lowtown Bazaar minding own business when hottie knocked me off my feet. Followed her where hot big shot templar and skinny elf mage were shouting about something…cancelled dinner reservations maybe? Anyway…whiny boyfriend gets all up in the middle of it and _get this!_ Blows up Chantry! So I get all in there since I was supposed to be protecting Elthina and stuff, and my speech was Oscar worthy. I go "Nooooooooooo! Not Elthina! She was your most AWESOME and stuff!". Everyone just looks at me. Obviously because it was _such_ a good performance.

So anyway, hottie decides to let whiny boyfriend live. So I'm all like "no, you can't. Cuz what if it was me in there?" and she didn't even flinch. _Obviously_ I made the wrong decision about her hotness quotient, so I was all like "Fine. I'll go get my army and bring it back and we're gonna hunt you down and kiiiiiiiiiiill you. I'm Audi 5000." Seriously. It was epic.

**3003:** On road back to Starkhaven.

**3008:** Feet hurt. A lot.

**3016:** Hmm. Maybe getting army not such a good idea. Guess could just go back to Chantry in Starkhaven.

Mmmm…waffles are my favourite!


	5. The Arishok

**So, writing a diary for the Arishok was the most fun yet...save for Flemeth.**

**Thanks again for the faves, follows and reviews. Keep it up...you guys rock!**

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><p><em>The Super Secret Diary of the Arishok<em>

**1 –** Have been charged with extremely important mission to retrieve Tome of Koslun. Have never read myself, but is apparently sacred scripture of Qunari. Anyway…Orlesians have finally decided to give back. Better not fuck this one up.

**3 –** On way to Orlais. Have polished horns and packed extra gold glitter for trip as Orlesians v. prissy.

**34 –** Finally in Orlais. Customs officers stopped party at border wondering if we were bringing any fruits and vegetables into the country. See? Prissy.

**36 –** Orlesians stalling progress. Advised "don't have" book atm. Though did admit that book is actually more like diary of Ashkaari Koslun. Were planning to keep to use as blackmail over pictures from scandalous party and "little black book" list of contacts. Apparently Koslun v. horny Qunari. Ha. I slay me.

**38 –** Was notified that book stolen by pirate. So much for planned vacation.

In other news, adding "dangling over balcony by the throat" to my torture list as viable and successful method of gaining information.

**39 –** Heading back towards the boats to chase pirate. Have been told we will know her because if she was pushed overboard, she would not sink. Don't understand this yet.

So disappointed with early departure – didn't get to use gold glitter yet.

**48 –** On the boats, chasing pirate. Will have to rely on crew's ability to catch up or hope for some bad weather.

**68 –** So annoyed. I _wasn't_ serious about wanting the bad weather. Just got out of water after storms blew us into large rocks. Glitter all wet now. Definitely upset over this development.

In other news, finally understand the whole "pirate wouldn't sink if she fell in the water" thing. Bazinga!

**69 –** Have landed in piss stain of a city called Kirkwall. Fairly certain was site of a mass murder, or at the very least several kidnappings. Makes architecture in Seheron look like kittens and unicorns live there.

**100 –** Still standing at entrance to docks waiting for something to happen. Might just decide to ravage city if here much longer.

**105 –** Will delay ravaging. Met Viscount today – old, weak, smelly – but has given us some real estate at the docks of the city proper. Not bad. But smells of fish and wet dog. Haven't seen a dog yet.

**107 –** Apparently many Fereldan refugees in Kirkwall. Explains wet dog smell.

**263 –** Someone brought me v. nice chair to sit on. And tent! I love camping!

**275 –** Sten was in market other day. Found supplier of gold glitter. Hooray! Apparently many Orlesian vendors around. Perhaps might find pretty new earrings as have giant ears.

**319 –** Annoying runt of a dwarf visited compound today. Wanted to buy some gaatlok. Told him no. He was angry and stormed off. Ha! Like I'm going to give him any gold glitter…JUST found a supplier!

**324 –** Was mistaken about gaatlok. Apparently v. powerful explosive powder – NOT gold glitter as suspected. Either way, wouldn't have given him any.

**347 –** Have decided compound too quiet. Shall hold dance off this Friday night. Will bring in some Saarebas for special effects. They were a hit at the last dance off…

**351 –** Dance off success! Everyone loves me again. Gold glitter also works well with red body paint. Glad didn't give away to dwarf…

**362 –** Dwarf is back. Won't take no for answer. Said he's waiting for someone.

**363 –** "Someone" dwarf waiting for arrived. Turned out to be insolent mage girl. On other hand, she did get rid of some Tal'vashoth, so perhaps hasty with "insolent" tag. Perhaps will hire her for next dance off as she could help Saarebas with special effects. Mage travels with elf who can quote the Qun. This is not good. Will have to bone up on my Qun scriptures and stuff. Just because I'm Arishok doesn't mean I know this word for word. What am I? A fanatic? I read that thing like ONCE. In high school. Seriously.

Either way, dwarf getting on nerves. Have sent him away, or might use him as coffee table.

**458 –** Still no sign of Tome of Koslun. Got letter from Koslun's nephew other day. V. upset about uncle's missing diary. Afraid will see expose in Seheron News of the World or something. Wrote back to tell him not to worry – should be more worried about what his uncle had on answering machine.

**582 –** Growing annoyed with Kirkwall. Maybe just need change of scenery. Will go to market with Sten tomorrow to look for new facial accessories. Perhaps a new eyebrow piercing or tattoo will brighten my mood.

**791 –** Was told some Kirkwallers…er, Kirkwallians…er…people that live here converting to Qun. Score! So writing to other leaders of Triumvirate to gloat.

**992 –** More converts. Yes…yes! This will be biggest conversion since took over Seheron. Best Arishok ever!

**1129 –** Don't know why still can't find Tome or pirate who stole it. Not like Kirkwall is big. Maybe if we left compound once in awhile? Not like pirate will just waltz on in here.

**1329 –** Really don't like smell of fish. Need air fresheners or something. Have tasked Sten to go to market again. Oh, and if he finds me those little cheese curds I like from Nevarra, totes wouldn't complain about it.

**1535 –** Told Viscount to send mage girl back to see me. Suspect dumb ass dwarf tried to steal gaatlok, but took saar-qamek instead (so I'm told). Apparently v. dangerous to non-Qunari. Whatever…put that stuff in my morning coffee every day and I'm fine, so what do I know?

**1577 – **Mage girl FINALLY showed up. Said was busy with mage stuff or something. Lame excuse. Anyway, told her about dwarf stealing saar-qamek. Lucky for her, hasn't been used yet.

**1579 –** Found out saar-qamek was JUST used from mage girl. Talk about good timing with telling her. Apparently wasn't dwarf. Instead, was crazy elf bitch. Wow. So glad didn't wager money on that. Would have lost for sure – never suspected elf.

Anyway, mage definitely insolent. Said something about elf trying to start some shit between us and people in Kirkwall. Said we're converting too many elves to the Qun. Whatevs…not my fault we're so awesome that everyone wants to join. Deep down, I know it's the gold glitter that attracts them. Maybe the horns too?

**1606 – **Get this. Son of Viscount, Seamus Dumar, thinks I'm coolest guy ever. Not that I deny it, but think humourous because Viscount so afraid of me. Just thinking of all the pranks we could pull on him. This is gonna be good.

**1641 – **Seamus stopped by today. Think he has giant-sized man crush on me. Not gonna lie…kind of kinky.

**1657 – **Seamus told me going to convert to Qun. Excited – sort of like the little pipsqueak. Might need to do something about that hair though.

**1676 – **Can't find Seamus anywhere. Left "dear John" letter saying something about going back to Chantry. V. upset. Had movie night planned for this weekend and everything. Oh well…hopefully can get money back for v. expensive lobster dinner was in middle of planning.

**1677 – **Insolent mage girl dropped by looking for Seamus. Okay, now confused. Why does everyone blame me when sons of Viscounts go missing? In any case, sending Norm to Chantry to follow mage girl. He'll so kick her ass if he has to.

**1678 – **V. sad. Mage girl told me Seamus dead. On good note, Norm absolutely pwned woman who set him up. Some Chantry broad. Shot her dead in the eyeball. Not bad. Should consider inviting Norm to next Wii tournament for retro Duck Hunt game.

In other news, considering destroying Kirkwall again. Getting v. bored.

**1762 – **Insolent mage brought even more insolent guard captain to retrieve two elves who killed some guard. Whatevs. So not giving them back. The Qun says you can kill whoever you need to. Well…maybe not. Never did do a refresher on that. But still not giving elves back. Too bad Norm wasn't around – he'd have shot the guard captain square in her big red head. Anyway – they escaped.

**Update: **So, have started rampaging across city since mage told me Tome of Koslun was stolen by pirate… again! SO tedious. Heading to find Viscount.

**Additional update:** Found Viscount. Made me mad, so cut his head off. Had considered using for bowling ball since head so perfectly round, but thought might be wee bit disrespectful. Anyway, waiting for mage to come. Know she will. She's too nosy to stay out of this.

**Final update:** So yeah…probably shouldn't have waited for mage. Qun-spewing elf was there and said to challenge me to duel. Wasn't worried, since she's so tiny. But apparently she has been working on her cardio cuz booooy, I chased her for what had to have been like an hour. Forgot to pack more than three health potions, so eventually, was turned into one too many frozen Arishoksicles. Yeah. Am dead now.

Not even supposed to be here today.


	6. Sam the Hurlock Alpha

**Ha! Bet you thought that darkspawn were mindless monsters.**

**Think again…**

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><p><em>The Super Secret Diary of Sam the Hurlock Alpha<em>

- ARRRRRGH!

- !

- Ouch. Hack, hack. Phew…hairball.

- Jim says I should number my entries. Well, you know what I say to Jim? I say…NO! Screw you Jim!

- Invasion of Lothering set to begin tomorrow. Excited. Have been v. bored hanging out in Deep Roads.

Though must say, Billy the Ogre sure knows how to throw a kickin' party.

- Already behind schedule for invasion. Doug the Emissary forgot his darkspawn staff. So now we all have to go back to wait for him to get it. Idiot.

- Met some really cool cats on this trip to the surface. Bob is a Ferelden-born Hurlock who tells the funniest jokes! Gilles is an Orlesian hurlock – moved here seven years ago when came across Archdemon's 'help wanted' ad. Yes, I know. Archdemon has been working on this invasion for over seven years. No hurry there big guy…

Anyway, Gilles has fantastic recipe for poached nug that I'm just _dying_ to try.

- Came across den of nugs. Gilles v. excited! Enough to make poached nug _and_ nug chili. It's on the menu for tomorrow.

- Now, I'm not usually one to like dudes, but Gilles is v. good cook! I'm a little turned on by his chili.

- If a Chantry virgin, a friendly darkspawn and a 100 year old Grey Warden were standing at equal distances from Andraste's Ashes, who would reach the urn first? None of them! They're all figments of your imagination! Hmm…okay that seemed funnier when Bob told it.

- Made it to surface. Much brighter than remember. Must remember to raid market to find sunglasses.

- Ugh. And sunblock. One day above ground and already v. burnt. Don't want to be _only_ darkspawn with farmer tan.

- Gilles and I practicing war cry. With proper training, could be Alpha.

- Yay! In Lothering! Gilles and I decided to keep tally of number of kills. So far, he's winning.

Shhhh…I'm letting him…

- After several days in Lothering, growing bored. Only so much death and destruction before boredom sets in. Can't wait for total annihilation of Ferelden.

- So pissed! Archdemon said can't come to Redcliffe OR Denerim. Wants me to go follow refugees heading north. Doesn't want them to get away. I say balls to that!

But, can't refuse. Hate having no willpower.

_Speaking _of willpower, have just tasted Gilles' "Fereldan on Toast" recipe. Delicious!

- Saw dragon today. Was going to stop by to say hello when realized wasn't Archdemon. Bob and Jim not as lucky. Bob got dropped from v. high in sky and Jim got stepped on. So like I said…screw you Jim!

On sad note, Billy the Ogre was killed by puny mage human. So much for kick ass parties in Deep Roads.

- Packed and on way across Bannorn. Still don't know what a Bannorn is. Perhaps they have small tasty children there.

- Well. Bannorn nowhere near as exciting as hoped. Just big flat land with random trees. Hardly any buildings to burn or villages to pillage.

Hey…Villages to Pillage. I think I just found that band name that Jack the genlock has been searching for. Now, if only he'd stop playing 'Darkspawn Guitar Hero' and actually get out there and learn to play.

- So, at the Waking Sea now. Foiled by water! We will have to go around. Not impressed. This is going to cut into my vacation time at end of year for sure.

- Heard through grapevine Archdemon got pwned by some silly humans. And a dwarf. And an elf or two. Possibly even a Qunari. Starting to feel fortunate about skipping the Denerim thing.

So guess I have to be the one to say it.

Blight cancelled!

- Decided to go back underground on account of the failed blight.

On bright side, am taking well earned vacation.

- Gilles has come up with new recipes. He. Is. Fantastic.

- Think I'm falling in love with Gilles. Oh well. Not like broodmother needs me to reproduce anyhow.

- V. sad. Gilles killed by…of _all_people…that mage that killed Billy the Ogre! Not cool.

Gilles! I will avenge you!

- Hmm. On second thought, avenge-ment of death not possible when dead yourself.

So…diary cancelled!


	7. The Maker

**So, yeah. I've not updated this one for a looong time. My apologies. My laptop died and I have NO access to my updated reference file – the one that keeps me in line with regards to my dates and things happening.**

**But, I really wanted to add a new installment, so dilemma! What do I do? Well, not everyone cares much for time…so just had to come up with a character that wouldn't necessarily be such a stickler for when everything was happening.**

**And voila! Here you have it…the next edition of the Super Secret Diaries.**

**P.S. I have nothing against Jersey. But had to pick a place, and well…Jersey just sort of won out as the "it's fun to make fun of place". What would have been funnier? Wayne's World did Delaware. Besides, I like to think there's a Jersey somewhere in Thedas. Just maybe not a Jersey Shore...**

**Far as I know, Bioware **_**still**_** owns Thedas and all its inhabitants…including this guy…**

* * *

><p><em>The Super Secret Diary of the Maker<em>

Am all-powerful. Sweet!

Soooooooo bored.

Have decided will create something called Fade to defeat boredom. Also, will fill with what I will dub "spirits". It will amuse me.

Spirits can do whatever they want in Fade. So cool!

Okay, wait a minute. Spirits being v. lazy. Don't do _any_thing in Fade. Made them just like me, but they don't make stuff in Fade. How is this any more exciting than what I had to do before? Worse than getting satellite for more channels – _still_ nothing on!

Decided new children might be fun to make. So creating new place for new children to hang out in. Don't think they'll get along with spirits. Also, spirits v. boring. Don't need that rubbing off.

Have created the happiest eating, drinking and social place ever! That could be an acronym! Thedaspe!

Decided Thedaspe too hard to pronounce. Shortening to Thedas. Much better.

Created "wall" between Fade and Thedas. Will call the "Veil" since wall sounds so…restrictive. Besides, veil is very gothic. Like to appear mysterious. May need to dye hair black and start wearing skinny jeans.

My breath! Didn't realize First kids could see the new ones through Veil – they are jealous. Sure, _now_ they want to do stuff. Oh well. Can't change now. I can't do it all…I'm only one all powerful deity!

V. bad decision with the whole Veil thing. Found out Thedas kids visiting Fade in something I will call "dreams". The spirits were supposed to be the ones doing stuff…not the Thedas kids! Thank the me that spirits have no influence on the Thedas kids.

My breath! The spirits _do_ have influence on the Thedas kids! What else could go wrong?

Oh for crying out loud! Spirits invited my cousins from Jersey to visit. Cousins in gang called "Old Gods" who cosplay as dragons. Great. Now Thedas kids starting to misbehave. Tevinter starting to look like Vegas.

Tired of cousins. Sending them to sleep with the fishies. Hehe, okay no. Not _that_ evil of an all powerful being. Just sending them underground for awhile. To sleep. Yeah…six feet underground…

Seriously – has no one told these kids what happens in Tevinter, _stays_ in Tevinter? Mean this literally…Thedas kids from Tevinter – specifically the sparkly-fingered ones – are marching here…to the Golden City. Really? I mean…really? Now have to pick up the place and…ugh. Like I don't have enough to do around here.

Thedas kids showed up in Golden City. Chanting something like "We are the magisters, and we're here to say…". Oh, I don't know, I smote them before they finished it. Well, not smote exactly. More like morphed them into hideous creatures that I will call darkspawn. They sneezed all over the Golden City, got their vile gooey guck _all_ over my statues and tiled floors. I can't get these stains out of _any_thing. So now it's the Black City. Can't very well advertise tours to the Golden City if people get here and find _this_ mess. Just awful. V. disappointed in my creations.

Have decided to turn back on everyone. I hate everything and everyone sucks.

Not that I'm paying attention, but the darkspawn went and woke up one of my cousins. Stupid. Now he's cosplaying as a dragon again and wreaking havoc all over Tevinter. I _told_ them not to pay attention to the Old Gods gang. They're bad news. Whatever. I'm not paying attention anymore.

Not that I'm paying attention really, but apparently they're finally doing something right in Thedas. They've taken out my stupid cousin Dumat…he was the ringleader, so hopefully the others will just behave. The Thedas kids have called the whole thing a blight…I thought _I_ was the only one around here allowed to name things… Anyhow, back to ignoring everything…

Not that I'm paying attention still, but there is a _hot_ little number kicking around in Tevinter these days.

Okay, so I'm paying attention again. Can't help it. My breath! This Andraste's a hot piece of…something…

She _sang_ to me… *swoon* I think I'd do anything for this woman. She's asked me to help her take down the Tevinters. In exchange, she's offered to 1) get everyone down there to worship me and _only_ me and 2) marry me. I said "Hmm, tempting, but aren't you already married?" She shrugged and winked. Little minx, this one. I'm not against it actually. Like I said…hot. Plus, the "everyone worships me" thing. That's a bonus.

Okay, so agreed to her proposal. Am now having fun reigning down terror upon the Tevinters. So awesome. Why didn't I think of this before?

Hmm. Plan may have backfired a little. Her Thedas husband sort of found out about our little arrangement. He's in the process of burning her at the stake. V. sad. But kinda don't want to interfere considering that means I win. Just did a little dance there…she'll only be with me now. Still…kind of think her husband's a bit of a dick. Someone should do something about that guy.

Ha. Someone did something. Okay, going back to ignoring everyone to spend time mending my wife…

Hey…the whole "everyone worships me" plan? Turns out it worked. They're building a bunch of "Chantries". Putting up statues of [the old ball and chain has been scratched out] my beautiful wife in there.

If these darkspawn keep waking up my Jersey cousins, I'm going to have to intervene.

On second thought…

Saw Flemeth today. Changed her name again. Asha'bellanar? I can't keep up with her multiple personalities. Crazy old bat. Drives me nuts when she turns into a dragon because I keep thinking it's one of my damn cousins!

Kinda bored…think I'll play a trick on some poor Chantry worshipper…pretend I'm "speaking" to them. How about that little redhead riiiight there…perfect!

Felt a disturbance in force today. Wait…no… the Veil – wrong fandom. Apparently spirit has decided to join with a mage. This isn't going to be good for my health. I have a bad feeling about this.

My breath! So, bad news. _Knew_ that the mage with the spirit was not going to be good for health. Blew up Chantry! I mean, really? That was one of my favourites too. Had an AWESOME statue of my wife in there. But now…gone. Forgot to get pictures of it, so you know how it is – pics or it didn't happen. V. annoyed. Anyway, off topic. So yeah, there goes the neighbourhood. Doctor told me to go on stress leave over this whole thing. Should just take vacation. Hear Rivain nice this time of year…but not Orlais. Those Orlesians grind my gears…

Have thought about it. You know, for all powerful being, probably should have seen that one coming.


End file.
